Next
by Touch of Gray
Summary: Gippal likes to test the limits. Minor RG. Rating for cursing.


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_next_

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So I had this dream once - when I was a kid - where I was standing in the shadow of this big... _thing_. I don't remember much about the thing, just that it was big and scary and overpowering - you know, blot-out-the-sun overpowering, the type of thing that you tell people about in bars for the rest of your life, and no one believes you, 'cause really, nothing's that big - and it was _looming _over me, like it was about to eat me or something. And I'm scared, no, terrified, 'cause I'm about to get eaten by this big monster, and what kid isn't gonna be pissing himself at a sight like this? 

So I'm standing here, under this monster, big, hideous, scary monster, just waiting to get a huge chomp taken outta my head, when it leans down - _way _down, remember, 'cause I'm just a kid, and this thing's huge - and it just looks at me. Straight in the eye, but foaming-at-the-mouth scary-ass creature, lookin' at me like I'm somethin' interesting, little snot-nosed kid, you know.

And it smiles, then, grins real big, and then I wake up screaming.

Ever since then, I've been thinking, you know - what the hell does it mean? And more importantly, what happens next? Do I get eaten? Does it walk away? Does it sit there and wait for me to act? Does someone shoot it dead? You know, what _happens_?

I mean, they say that you can't die in your dreams, that you're gonna wake up, right before you die, and if you do have a dream where you die, then you just won't wake up, because you'll just be dead. And I'm thinking, wouldn't that _suck_? I mean, really. You only die once, right? So why waste it on a dream-death, a sleep-death? Why not die at the jaws of a great huge monster, or jump off a cliff or something? Why die all quiet-like?

Seems pointless to me. I mean, I wanna feel it when it comes, I wanna see death rush up to me, I wanna feel that last breath. And people, they'd think I was crazy for thinkin' like that, but it's only _logical_, you know. If I'm gonna live my life feelin' something, then I might as well die feeling something. I mean, if you gotta go, why not go out with a bang?

So, my dream. After I had it, I started getting _reckless_, you know, a little wild, a little crazy, a little more _why not?_ as opposed to _why?_ And I made some stupid decisions, real dumb things like setting off a fire-cracker inside my best friend's basement or hangin' onto the ends of a sheet and trying to parachute off the top of a really high building. Idiot kid stuff, really, just like anyone else with a bit of a death wish and a lacking survival instinct.

But it stopped being idiot kid stuff after a while, and started being serious, you know, the kind of crap where people look at you funny and make up a reason for your abandon, something stupid like "_he's trying to escape_" or whatever. No escapin' here, nah, just me being dumb. But it got to be bad, real wild, and I kinda went outta control, did some things I'd rather forget, rather not acknowledge at all if I can avoid it. All in the name of life, you know, all in the idea of living. Funny how that is, right? The only way to live life is to risk losin' it.

Yeah. Real funny.

But at the time, I thought I was _amazing_ - on top of the world, high-on-life, drunk with the idea of it all, with the whole great big fiery inferno idea - it's real comfortable for a while, but then...

Then you get burned.

You make a mistake, and then it's not your life at risk, but someone else's, 'cause they've gotta run in and rescue your idiotic self, and it's kinda scary, you know, pretty damn terrifying to sit there and think that they're probably not gonna come get you 'cause it's your own damn fault you're here. And sitting there, thinking how stupid this is, yeah, it hits you like a ton of bricks - that you're not getting anywhere by this. That all the games, all the risks, all the dares and stunts - they won't make you immortal.

And it turns out, in the end, that the ones who try the hardest to live life to the fullest - yeah, we're just the ones who are scared shitless of death, so scared that we're obsessed with getting that immortality, that '_didja hear what _he_ did?_' whispered for years and years to come. We're the ones who hate the idea of being forgotten, 'cause we're the ones you'd forget if we didn't make you remember us.

So after all that, after the "burning" part, and after the scars it left behind - the worst of which can still be seen by the naked eye from miles away, because let's face it, it's the _first_ thing people notice about me - had healed a bit, just to where they didn't hurt, you know, 'cause they'll never go away, I felt... pretty dumb. Because they'd all told me for _months_ that something like that was gonna happen, and I was gonna end up on the wrong side of the wrong thing and find myself in that nice, sandy, premature grave.

And yet... For all the crap it gave me, I don't regret it. Because, hell, that's life, right? You win, you lose, you do stupid things, you carry the scars with you. Something to talk about in the bars, right? Gives me some story to tell.

And yeah, okay. That is how I met Rikku. 'Cause guess who had to go in and save my ass? Yeah. Her dad. He still kinda thinks I'm an idiot - and by kinda, I mean 'he still thinks I don't have a brain' - and absolutely hates the idea of me so much as thinking about looking at her.

Bit overprotective. But that's how the whole family is. Except her, 'cause she's as reckless as I've ever been, just smarter about where she's crazy. I mean, really. That whole Sin thing, and Vegangun? I've done some crazy things, but running up to something that's been killing people practically for as long as the world's existed? And with that little claw-thing she used? You're kidding, right?

And don't get me started on Vegnagun. Especially not on the part where I didn't actually make it through, and she did.

All while wearing a skirt shorter than a quick sneeze. No fucking way. Makes me sick just to think about it. And they say I was a bad influence on her. Maybe they should worry more about her goody-goody cousin's influence on her. I mean, when it was me hanging out with her, I never asked her to wear a bikini top and a tiny skirt.

Mighta thought about it, but never said it out loud. 'Cause that would have ended in a quick shot to the gonads, and even I'm not stupid enough to let that happen.

But, getting back on topic... After I stopped being so, well... Nooj-like, I started thinking. I know, dangerous territory. But I got to thinking, well, what good is hanging around the desert doing? All I'm succeeding in is getting sand in awkward places and slowly damning myself to a future of skin cancer like you wouldn't believe. And, okay, I still wondered about that monster from my dream.

Still wanted to know what happens next.

So I tried to get into the Crusaders, but that didn't work, and besides, I think I was crazy for trying, because spending the rest of my life with dirty Yevonites who looked at me like I was diseased really wasn't appealing. _At all_. So I found out about the Crimson Squad, willing to take anyone, no matter what race or religion or whatnot. And I figured, what the hell? Why not?

So I joined. And got stuck with a half-machina man hell-bent on suicide (made me look like a timid child, no lie), a Yevonite with a serious polite-complex, and a woman with a stick jammed all the way from her ass to her neck.

Okay, so they weren't that bad. But that was my first impression.

'Cause after a while, after the "Yes, sir"s had died down from Baralai the Yevonite, and the woman (actually, she's about my age, but scary as hell, so there's no way I'll _ever_ describe Paine as a "girl") had stopped glaring at everyone and started being somewhat kind, it wasn't so bad.

Wasn't the same as dune-sledding with Cid's Girl, no. But saving the world was never supposed to be fun, right?

Yeah, well...

After that all fell apart (and the way it happened goes into that pile of "let's not remember"), I was kinda left alone for a while. Not to mention nursing a thrashed pride, 'cause Cid's Girl managed to beat fuckin' Sin, and I got shot in the back miles away from Sin, when I was the one trying, and she was the one trying not to.

Yeah, that's another one of those things I don't really mention at the bar. Not that I mention a whole lot at the bar anyway, 'cause if I'm ever there, it's 'cause things have really gotten shot to shit, and I'm drinking it away. In which case, the only things coming out of my mouth are slurred and illegible, and probably have more to do with the color of wood than the psychological ramifications of being beaten by my childhood crush.

So, while I'm hangin' out here, all alone and bored, I figure, well, why not make some money being alone and bored? And I'm still not sure if want to go back and beat myself up for that or not. I mean, the whole business part of it is boring as hell, but I don't bother with that much (to which end, I owe Nhadala my _soul_, I swear) and instead spend all my time tinkering with machina. Which is cool. Kinda.

Because there's not much about running a business that's really... death-defying, you know? Except the boredom part when I'm supposed to be giving interviews (which Nhadala won't let me pawn off on her, or I would). But it's really lacking.

Which might explain why I told Rikku she could work here. Because, honestly, trouble follows her. And I'm in the mood for trouble.

Even if it is only from Brother.

'Cause it all goes back to that dream I had, with the monster. It's like, you can live if you wanna, or just sit there, 'cause either way, you're not getting outta life alive. If I hadn't dreamt I was dying - well, dreamt I was facing something that could easily have mauled me as a midnight snack - then I wouldn't have done anything. I was - get this - a good kid once. I actually listened to my parents. I believed all that "be careful" crap. But when I got to wondering...

Well, what _does_ happen next?

I mean, I don't wanna get eaten by the monster. So I guess I just run, right? Run as far as I can before I hit the end.

And that had better be _some_ end, let me tell ya.  
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(A/N: Gah, that ending _sucks_. I am absolutely _hideous_ at endings. Oh, and... yeah. Haven't played X-2. Um, ever. Actually, I've looked at the cover. And read lotsa fanfiction. But that's it. Actually, up until I got a new computer that actually supported video and watched it on YouTube, I hadn't even seen the intro. So any storyline gaffs... Yeah, that's why. Review!)


End file.
